I CAN MOONWALK!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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