I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
