I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
BRING THE BAGELS
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
