cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it glows. i had to have it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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