Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just forgot I was standing up.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
