Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
