guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
