Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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