Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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