I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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