my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
