Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
