she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Randomize
