so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
