i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
