Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
