On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
