it glows. i had to have it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
