Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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