I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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