I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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