i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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