that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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