My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
