how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
