I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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