A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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