wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
