Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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