the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
