It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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