i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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