I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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