So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
