You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
