She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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