Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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