I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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