I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
