I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
