Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
