Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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