i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
