Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
