I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
