new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
