I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
