I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
