You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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