I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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