shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
