Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
