apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
